Battle of Trafalgar in 2008

If we were able to transport Admiral Nelson and his fleet about to set sail for the Battle of Trafalgar, perhaps while on board HMS Victory, we might overhear this conversation some 200 years later, in 2008----

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning
of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion
or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
work environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with
it...........full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone
up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't
want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny !"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on
corporal punishment

Thanks for your comments. One of our regular posters thought it desevered wider readership for they found it funny too, though actually, of course, this short piece raises a number of issues regarding the state of the country today.

No Andy, it's not all my own work, but been slightly amended from an unknown author of quite awhile back making their views known in a satirical manner. I'm sure we can sense Lord Nelson's increasing frustration of not being able to do his job with a workforce under his command now also neutralised by their political masters above them. And then, as he sails off to defend his country, his cause is lost before he's even started by regulations apparently looking after our best interests.

And if this legislation was in force centuries ago, what would the state of the country be in today? To me, the ultimate question that is being raised is---would England still exist today?---for Nelson and his fleet would likely have found themsleves being defeated, not by any opposing naval force, but by their own politicians, and any attacking force would have found little, if any, resistance, and we may have well ended up comming under their jurisdiction as a result of the government looking after our well-being for our own good. But surely, such a thing could never happen........