Who are you?

After posting the "Do you ever fear life is passing you by" thread, I decided that it was time for me to take a good hard look at my life and to put a name to those things that made me feel like I was a failure.

I devised a little exercise that involved writing down, firstly, what I have heard (or imagined I heard) others say about me over the years. The things that I have internalized that make me feel inferior. Secondly, I countered each of those statements with positive statements of my own. Obviously, there was some truth to most all of the things I have heard. The object then became to separate the truth from the misinterpretations. No one else can really understand the path you have walked or the process you had to go through to get to where you are.

My answers were all thought provoking and insightful, and some of them even surprised me. I can honestly say that I have a greater appreciation for myself and a greater respect for how far I have come.

Below is my abbreviated list. I would like to challenge all of my friends here on POE to do a similar exercise and post it here to share with others (or even if you don't post it at least enjoy what you learn about yourself) who may find it encouraging. Please note: the purpose of this thread is not to elicit complements (or otherwise!) for myself, but rather, to show each of us that we are indeed unique and wonderfully complicated individuals.

Diana's List

Who do others say that I am? 

You are aloof and anti social.
You are curt and judgmental. 
You are obsessive and fanatical.
You are controlling and manipulative. 
You are detached and unfeeling.
You are uneducated and unsuccessful.  

Who do I say that I am?

I am extremely private and greatly cherish the company of a select few. I choose to attend only those events and engage only in those activities and socialize with only those people that nurture my soul. I am happy with my own company and have an active mind and imagination that keep me perpetually engaged.  

I am direct and honest. I have a well developed sense of justice and strive to be just in my dealings with others. I expect others to be the same.  

I am fascinated by many things and have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. I thrive on learning as much about a subject as I can. 

I am neat, organized, and detail oriented. I value competence, clarity and efficiency, and typically have high standards in these regards, which I continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, I have similar expectations of others.

I am fascinated by life and I focus my energy on observing the world. Thus I discern how, and when, it is best to act and in what manner. I feel deeply but I am not sentimental. 

I have no degrees but I have been blessed with an inquisitive mind. I voraciously collect information on a plethora of subjects. I have overcome obstacles that even my closest friends don’t know about. My accomplishments are internal and invisible to the world outside but God sees my successes and counts them as credits to my soul.

Diana, you are pretty amazing. It's very hard to look at yourself and try to describe what you think you are.

I will try to do this on the fly....

Who do others say that I am? 

I have been described as:

Flighty, impatient, funny, compassionate to a fault, kind, intelligent but not street smart, cute (don't like that one) supportive, forgiving, strong, weak, and stupid.

Who do I say that I am?

This will be difficult as I am still changing everyday...still growing..but...

I am someone who wants to love, and be loved. I want to be needed and important.

I am strong, have weathered many a storm in my life and always came out forgiving.

Yet, I am weak. I am afraid to face facts, afraid of responsibility, afraid of change or striving for something better. Have an abosolute fear of failure.

I am kind. And yet it can lash out and attack if I feel the need.

I love my friends and yet so afraid to meet them in person or rekindle old friendships. Very afraid of being social. I think I worry about being judged. I am not proud of the mistakes I made, the choices I've made and I judge myself severely and think others will too.

I love to learn, love to do things, love to be active, athletic..and yet always held myself back from participating.

I think I'm open minded. I will ramble on about what I think is right and wrong but then listen and condsider the other side.

That's all I can do for now. Great excersice Diana. I hope everyone will take part in this. I'd love to see what others think.

Krissy, I think you did great for a fly by!

There is no doubt that we are always changing. As I said, there is some truth to most all of the negatives I have internalized. The secret is to have the courage to face those truths about our weaknesses. Burying our head in the sand and blowing sunshine up our nether regions is not the answer. But at the same time I had the pleasure of discovering that some of what other people interpreted as a negative is stuff that I am perfectly okay with! I saw what I didn't like and am seeking to alter it, and embracing the things that I like. 

Thank you Diana!!  There are many of your traits of yours I wish I had. That is something I need to work on!

I also wanted to add: that I am a fighter. I will fight for my kids but also fight for what I want. If I want something badly enough I will do what it takes to get it...if I believe in it enough. If I believe in me. Now, if only I could apply that to other aspects of my life, I'd be better.

We are a work in progress Diana. It's a blessing that we can look at what we need to change and find the courage to change it. It's always a step in the right direction.. Always strive...right?

Sometime I wonder if your not my "gardian angels" at times reading the things I do from you all...

What do people say about me....

That's an hard one....as its changed over the years in ways...I think some people where I worked thought I was an "bitch" as they did all superviors, I think people think becuase I have an weight problem I'm proabably undisciplined, most likely because I can't keep up with everyone else  I'm suppose to be an personal house servant of some kind or that I'm that I'm messy when  I refuse to be so,  probably unsucessful because I'm not out on the take most the time...and definately "talkitive", perhaps these days, perhaps  they think uncaring and cold also.

What do I say I am....

Some people have to be "challeneged" to bring out the best in them. Superviing isn't to much different from mothering, except yoru doing it at an adult level, it requires an great deal of "comon sense" useage. When I look back at things, I realize the sheer magnitude of things I've been put through. As for work, I walked into an place that was about as unprofessional as you could get. People were runnning an business with about as much finess as an backyard novice in an hobby of some kind....there was little in the respect area of patient right's and belongings. There was little respect between departments also, it was like an "free for all in an zoo".So we were bitchy, we did it on purpose because what you expect is often what you get, set your sites on lower things and that's what you have in life. Someone has to step in and say "Your better then what your giving out"..I guess it sounds bitchy, but its also an truth of an kind.

Most of the time I'm off diet because I dont' take the time for "me" to come first. One diet conselor told me it was my own family doing this to me, that she thought they ought to grow up and be more responsbile for themselves...she felt I was being put under to much "strain "daily that was totally unecessary. Doctor kind of agrees in ways...but one never knew the other.

Someday these people will understand how much of the "paving the way" I did for them in their success...but until that day, I still get taken for granted daily and I'm tried of being made to live up to others expectations in ways..so they can shrink thier own responsibilties. I am not messy and I proved that recently to my dauhgter in-law's mother when the kids were on vacation and I had the whole house cleaned, it took them 2 days to "sack it" more or less when they go tback, there is an thing I call "living right" and its living in such an way, that there's little mess to it. I am continuallly telling them to behave differently as if they don't know how to do it themselves. To clean up after themselves. To find things worthwhile to do in life.To help others...but not be an "fool" in doing so. to seek wisdom and justice with an merciful and kind heart. I have acquired this last several years...an contentedness at times to be of my own..I don't know if it makes me appear aloof and non-caring but it has also came about in my abilty to not hear others and be heard for the most part.

I am an firm beleiver that we often at times get what we sow...and I find way to many times this day an sort of "transfer" thing to this all...one that will most likely not work in society eventually. Everyone running ot the Government is just one such example on an grand scale, but it all starts in one' s own house you know. Even the bible tells us to seek the good from "within" and let it shine forth...so how is it someone else is going to "save" us? Tha't s the problem, people think by sidestepping the issues, (feather blowing problems to others )..they will be solved and they aren't...and fo rmany wont' be.

But, that leaves me talkative, see, I should of taken that speaking class. I knew it way back when I took the business class instead. I find peace in nature and the beauty of the world in general. I think another reason I'm am so talkative, is that I hope by my expereinces, others will be "free "of ever having to come across the problems I have had to do battle with. There are things out there that people should change and I try to let it be known what ones I think need to be changed, just in case anyone is in an oppourtunity to do so. Our constitution migh tneed to be modified, but not eliminated in today's world, its greatly needed for without indvidual freedoms we are the losers. That is what the world is fighting about daily by someone somewhere, the right to be one's self.

I read this earlier Diana and think it is a great exercise so I decided to take time out of work this morning to do this! I love the honest answers made by yourself, Krissy and Shirley. Incidentally though I can't imagine anyone thinking those bad things about you. Here goes me!

 Who do others say I am?

1. My Mom always says that since I was little I have never understood why people do nasty things or are nasty to me. I suppose that would mean that people probably think I am a bit naive and that I look at the world through "rose coloured spectacles".

2. People often think I am too nice - and therefore that I have got a hidden agenda as no one can really be that way. They think I am a bit of a "goody two shoes".

3. I know people think I am too overprotective of my children - that I don't give them chance to take some risks and become independent.

4. I know people think I am too busy, that I don't spend enough time relaxing or having time for myself. Therefore I don't make the best of how I look.

5. People think I am confident, bubbly and talkative.

6. Some people think I am a good judge - they ask me for my opinion alot.

Who do i say I am? Answering the above in order -

1 & 2. My Mom is right - I never understand why people are nasty to me or do nasty things! My neighbour said that I was a nasty person - she is the only person who has ever said that to me. I know she is wrong although it hurt me so much- I always try to see the best in people, I always try to be nice to everyone even complete strangers. I am always friendly to people, smile and say hello and when people are not nice back I go through in my head what I might have done to upset them. My biggest fault is I nearly always think that it is me who has caused the problem - I blame myself and make excuses for them. There is a lovely man who lives near me who walks his dog by my house. He asked me if he could be honest with me a few months back and I said yes. He said that he knew I was always busy but inspite of this I always made the time to talk to him. He said that he knew I was having a really hard time at the moment but he said that I should never let anything change the way I am or let it all make me cynical. So every time I have another knock I remind myself of what he said.

3. I am too overprotective of my boys. I had alot of bad experiences when I was a child which have made me over cautious. I want them to be safe and I do wrap them up in cotton wool! But there again I disagree that I have not made them independent. I am always complimented on their manners and they can all speak to grown ups with confidence and ease. They have to do things for themselves because I work full time - although I am home here for them if they need me. They know how to look after themselves.

4. I don't make enough time for myself I know that. POE is my "me time" and that is good enough for me. I dislike having my hair cut, putting on make-up and having beauty treatments is my worst nightmare! I know I could look more attractive on the outside but I hope people can see I would rather concentrate on the person inside. My house is sometimes a mess but I want it to be a home for my boys rather than a show house. I don't get enough time to do lots of housework and the spare time I have I would rather be out in the countryside with my family taking photos!

5. I am really the shy, scared and timid child I was at school! I always had "Stephanie is too timid" written on my school reports! When I left school I reinvented myself as the confident, bubbly person who was the life and soul of the party! I have reinvented myself several times in my life so what people think of me depends on when they first met me! I am quiet really but I talk too much because I am nervous but no one would ever know that. I am always worried about what people think of me and I am very vunerable.

6. If there is anything to be done everyone asks me to do it. They always think I will know the answer. I do fight for causes and sort things out - my job is all about that so I know how to go about it. I am secretly a bit lazy - would love to let everyone else do things but I am also a control freak and also probably think that I can do a better job myself!

There you go - a bit of a mixed up person!