Always Honest or Okay to Hold Back?

I think everybody would like to be told the truth but in the end only a few are really able to always deal with it the best way. Some truths have the only power of hurting everybody involved without anyone getting any real benefit from the knowledge of it (see the brother's example but I could name a few).  I wouldn't go out of my way to always tell the truth, all the time and in any circumstance just for the sake of it and I personally think that nobody does that.

Holding back for our own aims is a different story.

It seems strange, but looking at the men's answers, they all ask for honesty. The women are mostly prepared to lie, or evade the truth, to spare their men's feelings. What does this tell us?

I think that as a gender, women do not think that men can handle the truth in an appropriate way. They think their man will either fly off the handle, commit GBH, or not be able to cope with the situation.

Women, or at least the ones who have contributed to the post, seem concerned that they protect their menfolk, and that justifies them evading the truth.

Surely the point here is that neither should assume that the other is incapable of handling information that might cause distress. One likely outcome of evasiveness is that trust of a loved one is diminished. I would have thought it is better to receive information that might cause a 'hiccup' in a relationship, but that trust is maintained ,because you know your partner will always speak the truth; regardless of the consequences.

If the boot was on the other foot, I wonder how many women would prefer that their partner told the truth; and respect the woman's ability to handle the truth?

Comments please?

Excellent point Ray. Maybe people do not tell their loved ones the truth because they are afraid of hurting them. Not so much that the person cannot handle the truth but rather the one telling the truth does not want to be responsible for hurt feelings. Does that make sense?  It's late here and I'm sleepy.

I would want to know the truth, no matter how much it would hurt. Better to know straight up then to be lead on....and perhaps made a fool of?

Life is never as simple as telling the truth all the time - I'm sorry to say! I admire people who are brutally honest but I don't want to be one of them - I would never tell a lie for my own gain but for example if a friend said "Do I look fat?" I would never say yes you do! When a was 5 stone heavier than I am now a couple of people commented how much weight I had put on - my mother-in-law even said that I had broken the chair because I was too fat! I didn't say to her that she had hurt me but I cried all evening after she had gone. It didn't help me lose weight either for those of you who think telling me would have made me think about dieting - it just sent me to the chocolate cupboard to give me a bit of comfort! I have an underactive thyroid so keeping my weight under control is an ongoing battle for me every day.

Just out of interest I told Terry what I had put and he totally agreed with me - he knows that he does fly off the handle and sometimes I have to let things calm down before I tell him! Also these days I have to think of his health too - with asthma and a heart problem getting angry doesn't do him any good! He also said that he would do the same too in some situations although he knows that he could tell me if someone made a pass at him as he knows I would take it calmly! 

Hi Ray, 

I didn't mean to make it as a men/women thing actually. I was more referring to all those big and minor things of anyone's daily life.  As Stephanie has showed with her examples, I still believe that telling the truth asks for the right times and ways, just like anything else;  It needs honesty of course, but also a bit of sound common sense.

However, to answer to your point, real trust is the one that comes a priori. You trust her just because she is your loved one and not because you are informed and aware of every single move of hers.  You trust because you always assume her to be capable of taking care of herself and of your relationship in every situation. And you trust because you know she will come to you if and whenever she isn't.

Trust is whenever you don't need or even don't bother to know about details of something because you know that someone else has already taken care of it on both's behalf the way you would.

Hi Folks,

Yes Maria, I agree with Diana, you have explained this so well, and put most beautifully too!

I too did not want to make this a male/female thing, I was just commenting on the trend in this post, that is all.

I suppose the issue I was debating was really of self confidence and self esteem. Many people, of either sex, have plenty of self confidence and self belief. Many others, unfortunately for them, do not.

I am really looking at  this from the opposite  angle; someone who is on shaky ground in those areas, and who might seek reassurances. I still beleive that a person seeking these affirmations instinctively knows when the other half is speaking the truth. that was the point I was trying to make.

You may know that I have run courses for people who are on shaky ground, and I well understand their fears and worries. I also intend to resume doing these courses when my present work contract expires, so, I have a big academic interest in these matters.

I do have to say thank you Maria, Diana, Krissy Steph, Bob, Richard, Rafal, Debbie Shirley, and everybody who has given an opinion, it has been of great interest to me, and I am lucky to have friends who can debate these things with such intelligence and articulation!

Ray.