Always Honest or Okay to Hold Back?

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	Forums > Off-Topic_Chat > Always Honest or Okay to Hold Back?
Stephanie Jackson Posts: 3911 Joined: 13th Apr 2008 Location: UK	quotePosted at 21:27 on 2nd April 2009 Yes I agree Ray - it was interesting and took my mind off all the real problems at the moment! My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
MariaGrazia Posts: 711 Joined: 25th Mar 2008 Location: Italy	quotePosted at 23:16 on 2nd April 2009 On 2nd April 2009 19:35, Ray Stear wrote: I also intend to resume doing these courses when my present work contract expires, so, I have a big academic interest in these matters. I wish you good luck with your plans , Ray...I did think it is about time for you to leave those poor donors alone! lol My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
Ray Stear Posts: 1930 Joined: 25th Apr 2008 Location: UK	quotePosted at 23:37 on 2nd April 2009 thanks Mari, it is something I have been thinking of for ages, and have now decided. My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
Ruth Gregory Posts: 8072 Joined: 25th Jul 2007 Location: USA	quotePosted at 05:54 on 3rd April 2009 On 2nd April 2009 10:54, MariaGrazia wrote: Hi Ray, I didn't mean to make it as a men/women thing actually. I was more referring to all those big and minor things of anyone's daily life. As Stephanie has showed with her examples, I still believe that telling the truth asks for the right times and ways, just like anything else; It needs honesty of course, but also a bit of sound common sense. However, to answer to your point, real trust is the one that comes a priori. You trust her just because she is your loved one and not because you are informed and aware of every single move of hers. You trust because you always assume her to be capable of taking care of herself and of your relationship in every situation. And you trust because you know she will come to you if and whenever she isn't. Trust is whenever you don't need or even don't bother to know about details of something because you know that someone else has already taken care of it on both's behalf the way you would. Beautifully put, Maria! The title of the thread is Always Honest or OK to Hold Back. Holding back is not necessarily lying or even being dishonest. There's a reason that we have the phrase "brutally honest," because sometimes the truth is brutal. Sometimes it's just a matter of timing, of discerning when to speak the truth in love. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue til it bleeds because you just HAVE TO be brutally honest. But if the timing is wrong, it can often cause more hurt than the naked truth. And I think a lot of people use brutal honesty because they want to hurt the other. But out and out self-serving lying is never acceptable in right relationship. I think what you wrote, Maria, is a beautiful picture of loving trust. My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
Ruth Gregory Posts: 8072 Joined: 25th Jul 2007 Location: USA	quotePosted at 06:41 on 3rd April 2009 Ray, Stephanie - GBH? My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
Stephanie Jackson Posts: 3911 Joined: 13th Apr 2008 Location: UK	quotePosted at 06:46 on 3rd April 2009 Grievous Bodily Harm Ruth! He wouldn't really be that bad though, it's just a great set of initials to use! LOL! My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
Ruth Gregory Posts: 8072 Joined: 25th Jul 2007 Location: USA	quotePosted at 07:03 on 3rd April 2009 Hi Stephanie: Fancy seeing you here!!! lol You're an early riser and I'm a night owl tonight. It's 11:03 here, Thursday night. I'm just fixin to turn in. But it's great to see you! My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
Stephanie Jackson Posts: 3911 Joined: 13th Apr 2008 Location: UK	quotePosted at 07:05 on 3rd April 2009 Great to see you too Ruth - can't sleep at the moment! My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
Diana Sinclair Posts: 10119 Joined: 3rd Apr 2008 Location: USA	quotePosted at 14:06 on 3rd April 2009 On 3rd April 2009 05:54, Ruth Gregory wrote: On 2nd April 2009 10:54, MariaGrazia wrote: Hi Ray, I didn't mean to make it as a men/women thing actually. I was more referring to all those big and minor things of anyone's daily life. As Stephanie has showed with her examples, I still believe that telling the truth asks for the right times and ways, just like anything else; It needs honesty of course, but also a bit of sound common sense. However, to answer to your point, real trust is the one that comes a priori. You trust her just because she is your loved one and not because you are informed and aware of every single move of hers. You trust because you always assume her to be capable of taking care of herself and of your relationship in every situation. And you trust because you know she will come to you if and whenever she isn't. Trust is whenever you don't need or even don't bother to know about details of something because you know that someone else has already taken care of it on both's behalf the way you would. But out and out self-serving lying is never acceptable in right relationship. I think what you wrote, Maria, is a beautiful picture of loving trust. I agree on both points, Ruth. My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions
Xxxx Xxxx Posts: 292 Joined: 22nd Mar 2009 Location: Canada	quotePosted at 17:57 on 3rd April 2009 Very interesting discussion.. and due to armouring of personality over time, (actual stiffening of the body musculature & ligaments) from early insults, degradation of integrity ( childhood trauma etc.) creates a need for protection of the fragile inner self, and the tendency to lie to avoid real trusting intimacy, confrontation and genuine human honesty and truth..which is the only way to solve problems and move on......there is a morass of reasons to not be honest...to not be fully oneself...because, there has to be a convoluted payoff in fakery...what is that? Avoidance of the pain of being alive. In other words, no matter the details of the 'reason' for being dishonest on any level...there is an instinctual observance of minute behaviours that indicate the 'loved one' withholding an emotional stash. This little pile of whatever resentment, fears of betrayal, slowly build a wall protecting the other from facing a disturbing FACT...and also prevents the flow of love. So,paradoxically, love lives in the truth of things, and needs this honest base...even though it can be tough going for a while to work out the 'stuff' . "There is no remedy for love, it is a perpetual wound" Henry David Thoreau My favourite: Pictures \| Towns \| Attractions