Jokes

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "

LOL  Nice one Diana

In France, a butcher, a baker, and an engineer are sentanced to death by guillotine.  The butcher climbs the steps, places his head on the block, and the lever is pulled.  But half-way down the blade hangs-up.  The emperor declares it the butcher's fate, and he is freed.  Next the baker climbs the steps, lays his head on the block and the deed is repeated.  Again, the blade fails to drop the full distance, and again the Emperor frees the prisoner.  Now it's the engineer's turn.  He climbs the steps, and .. just before laying his head on the block, he looks up and shouts: "Hey! I think I see the problem!

 Dennis (an engineer)

So, that engineer died.  He finds himself at the "pearly gates" before St. Peter, who is sitting at a desk.  "What's your name" askes Peter.  "Gil O'Tean" replies the engineer. [I made that name up!]  "Well, Gill" continues Peter, "I don't see you in my paperwork, which means that you'll have to go downstairs... Sorry mate!"  He pulls a lever, and down falls Gill, down, down, down, until he is tossed out onto a dry, desolate, hot field.  The place stinks of sulpher, there are flames licking up around him, and not a green thing growing anywhere.  "Man, this place could use some engineering" thought Gill.  So he set out to make some improvements.  He designed an air conditioning system, and the temperature began to drop.  With the addition of an irrigation system, he managed to get grass and trees to grow.  Before long (in eternal years that is), there were birds singing, cows grazing, etc.  Lucifer and his middle-managers looked on with approval.

Meanwhile, back at the gates, Peter gets up to call it a day.  As he steps away from his desk, he happens to notice a piece of paper on the floor nearby.  Picking it up, he sees Gil O'Tean's name on it.  Quickly he sits back down, picks up the phone, and calls down to Lucifer.  "Lou, this is Peter...  Look, there's been a terrible mistake.  You remember that engineer I sent down to you - Gill O'Tean.  He belongs up here, so send him up right away!"  "Nothing doing" replies the devil.  "I kind of like him, so I think he'll just have to stay here."  "Now you listen to me" shouts Peter.  "I have this on the highest authority.  You send him up hear immediately - that's an order!"  "Oh yeah?"  replies Satan, "and if I don't, what are you going to do about it?"  "Why, if you don't send him up her right now, I'll, I'll, ... I'll sue you!"  "Oh yeah?" sneers Satan, "where you gonna get a lawyer?"  [That would be a barrister to you blokes in England!]

 DW

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"